Fig 1)
OMG, what the F. Choose between alien girl and faceless afro hair girl who's freaking out from the water.  At least afro girl has good legs…

Fig 2)
Yep, we can see you've got a boyfriend and guys want used and taken material, so good job there. This especially annoys me, i mean, are you looking for a boyfriend, or do you just want everyone to see that you like guys in collared shirts? Girl on the right, use a photo in focus.

Fig 3)
??? Whaaa? No seriously. What part of this photo made you think that people would like looking at it? Not only is it not just you, but its a weird angle, and your… chins???

Fig 4)
Here are two examples of good photos. Both girls can be clearly seen, and you almost don't notice the dipshit in the background with his tongue out ruining the picture.

OkCupid, Profile Photo Advice

At the recommendation of Mark and Yen, I rejoined OkCupid, having deleted my account long ago. As I work on my okcupid profile to find the best photos, it asks me to rate the photos that others have uploaded for their profile as well. In so doing, I’m astounded that people upload these things, if they are clueless or if they think it is honestly endearing to see an out of focus photo of you giving the finger to the viewer. So here are my dating profile rules that I’ve gained from looking at tons of photos now:


  1. Out of focus photos
  2. Pouty frowny photos that show how moody or bored you are
  3. Bug eyed glasses photos that cover your whole f’n face
  4. Photos with you and your guy friend!
  5. Photos of you with your 10 other friends, nobody knows who you are!  Great that everyone can see you have friends, so does everyone else, this tells me that you are so insecure about whether you appear to have friends that you have to push it in my face.
  6. Photos where you are drunk!  Or acting like an idiot/slut/ or any other combination of negative things.
  7. Photos of your dog, your cat, your car, some mountains, or anything else where you are NOT IN IT!
  8. Use your godforsaken artsy-fartsy photos of you peeking through the trees where nobody can see you, or showing your half-face, or climbing some ladder with your mouth open.  Nobody wants to see that in real life, why would anyone care about that immortalized for an eternity???
  9. Photos giving the evil eye
  10. CONTORTING YOUR FACE!  Yep, that’s what I want to wake up next to.
  11. Photos with your face to the side!  The only thing your cheek tells me is if you have acne or not.  I don’t care if you are cooking or smelling a flower, you might as well have your face in a pile of dog crap and the other half is two-face from batman.
  12. Stop trying to look coy, you look like a dufus.
  13. OMG.  Cut the stupid side-angle photos of you, both where you are actually to the side and where you couldn’t bother to rotate the photo.  And cut the weird positions, and funny angles that hide your weight and shape!  Nobody’s stupid, its obvious!
  14. DIPSHIT, I don’t know which girl you are in the photo!  I said this already, but it annoyed me again.
  15. Hey, yeah, we all know that you think guys love to look at your cleavage, and I like to more than others, but for god’s sake, goodness sake, and every other good and holy thing in the world, DON’T USE A CLEAVAGE SHOT IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!!!  IT LOOKS PATHETIC!  Oh yeah, and even if you do have it, it makes you look like you are pathetically trying to get attention and there’s no point contacting you since 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 other guys will do so first, in fact you will receive more emails than particles in the universe.
  16. Finally, don’t upload photoshop distortions of your face.  Seriously, I’m supposed to be attracted to alien-fisheye face?

(Fig 1)

(Fig 2)

(Fig 3)


  1. Upload in-focus pictures with good color balance
  2. If you have a professional shot, use it, its ok that it’s a few years old; everyone is grossly lying about their age and weight anyway.  Just don’t offend my eyes.
  3. Show pictures of you being active that are just you, and you can be seen clearly
  4. Smile a lot
  5. Use photos that other people took that are not webcams, bad lighting, or with the flash.
  6. Show your whole face & figure, but KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON!
  7. Oh, use photos that show you being kind, thoughtful, helpful, you know, the good things.  the kind of things that make viewers go “oh, she’s sweet, she probably wouldn’t be horrible to me”

#7 is such an important point; its not like people go onto online dating services as a 1st choice, they do it because all the other options in real life have screwed up in some way, so in many ways, people are looking for find people who will be non-douchebags to them, just demonstrate that you aren’t one at first glance.

(Fig 4)