Reflexivity in Dating
I’ve got something to say that people aren’t going to like. I’m always hearing people complain about how they are dating a douche, or wondering why nice girls date jerks. What people need to realize is that dating is reflexive — that is, people find features attractive that they identify with. In other words, jerks date jerks. Douches date douches. “Nice girls” don’t date jerks. What happens is that the girl is a jackass to all the useful guys, then finds the one guy who is a jerk to her attractive — not because he is edgy or “challenges” her, but because at her core, she is a jerk herself. It is the same the other way around. Jerks find “nice girls” boring, for the same reason.
Even if someone (A) thinks of themself as “nice” and their partner (B) as a douche, it doesn’t matter because people date those whom they are ok with being like — which makes person A a douche both by association, and by being “ok” with douchiness. Without out getting too mathematical about it (I will in a different post), person A with personal environment set & experiences Ea is choosing to entangle themselves with the environment set Eb of the douchy person — that is, the set of environment states that made (and keep) person B a douche. Person B is choosing Eb for him/herself. Secondly, part of what makes someone a jerk is how they inter|act, which means that person A has to acquire the skills of being a jerk to communicate and interact with person B.
It is important to choose a partner not only based upon some apparent current state, but also based upon the kind of environment they put themselves in. The environment one chooses for themself governs their experience set, how they see the world, and what kind of person they become. That experience set becomes entangled with your own. Therefore a person dates a person based upon the kind of person they want to become. Douches date douches and non-douches make themselves douches by choice and therefore are douches as well. QED.
Choose your environment carefully. Date a douche if you want to be a douche. Don’t if you don’t.